My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
