my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
