did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
