I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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