Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
