Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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