I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
