You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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