she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
