Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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