threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
