I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
