Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
