ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
