This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
