Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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