haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
