dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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