My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
