His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
