Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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