I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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