I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
