I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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