so that wasnt chicken after all
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
