I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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