I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
