Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
