I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
