He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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