Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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