I wish I could teleport
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.