Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?