I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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