Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
