Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
