we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
