he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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