I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
