i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
