let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
