I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
