apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
