Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
