He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
