I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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