Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
