Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
