She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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