I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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