I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
