i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
