He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
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I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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