how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.