i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.