I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.