I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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