Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
