I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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